LEARNING TO TRUST YOUR FEELINGS IN LATCHKEY TOWNSHIP
In this transmission from Latchkey Township, we will hear E’s story as it appears in the book Latchkey Township. Most of the essays in this anthology bubble out of a mirthful gully of capers that latchkey kids got up to while leading exhilarating, mischievous, and unsupervised lives. But behind the laughs, some tales allude to a shadow side of what it can feel like to be a child all alone. Predatory or dubious neighbors are not an uncommon menace for latchkey kids.
The term gaslighting has become a standard part of our vocabulary. When we examine our childhoods through a more concentrated lens, certain aspects come into defined focus. Commonly, children’s feelings and experiences are far more sophisticated and tuned in than many adults acknowledge. Caregivers can unintentionally gaslight children by leaving out or fibbing about obvious, important information. But the kids know something is awry. When children see one thing happening while no one acknowledges it, they are left perplexed about the truth, and this becomes a mood or emotion to ferry around for countless years, greatly influencing their internal compasses.
My friend E pilots us back to an anxious feeling vibrating steadily just under the horizon line of many of our childhoods. Perhaps this resonates with you. You, too, may have had your ability to speak up for yourself shut down after you named truths that were met with silence. The story that E shares with us is one in which a family wants everything to be OK, even when it isn’t, wishing that if they look away, the bad will disappear.
For children who spent time alone, developing creative ways to care for themselves in the dusky afterschool hours, sometimes the only light on was a gaslight.
TRUST THAT FEELING by E
I didn't think about being latchkey at the time; it seemed the norm. I can't recall any particular things we got up to other than the regular wanderings and explorations of a curious kid.
The most impactful thing to occur from being a latchkey kid was the feeling of being watched every time I entered the house. I never mentioned it to anyone, but I felt it every day. One day, when walking up to our back door, I ran into our neighbor, also at our back door. He was out of sorts, nervous, and confused. He said some random things and then walked off.
Later that night (after my mom came home), our neighbor came to the back door and confessed to knowing where we kept the key and that he’d been breaking into our house and drinking our alcohol. She said, "OK, thanks for telling us," and closed the door. My mind reeled. All the times I'd been home “alone” and heard noises but convinced myself I was imagining things… all the times I felt like I was being watched when coming home… realizing that I'd probably walked up to the door that day either as he was on the way out or on the way into our house… it freaked me out.
All the things I'd felt that I had discounted, convincing myself I must be wrong, telling myself, "I'm imagining things," doubting my intuitions… Those thoughts became a physical being that was right in my face while he was confessing to these break-ins. After his confession, nothing was said or mentioned about it in our family. That confused the hell out of me. Afterward, numerous times, the same neighbor broke in, and we'd find him passed out drunk in our house.
It makes me feel sad for the kid I was. That period of distrusting my instincts took a really long time to grow out of. Also, no one acknowledging or talking about him breaking in made me feel crazy.
